So it turns out there's an Americana ficathon being held.

Some time after Obama was elected, and it became okay to be American again, I remembered that I love American TV and film and I then read On the Road and. The idea of Americana fills me with this longing. It's supposed to. I know. It's about nostalgia and everything. But. Americana is middle America, it's manifest destiny, it's deserts and corn fields and space and space and motion. It's car drives.

I'm from tiny town New England. There's no nostalgia for "The British are coming!" We're cramped and vertical expansion and the most densely populated part of the country. We're colonial houses and new immigrants. And I'm worse than all that. Because my mother rejects the idea of being American. We are, we are but she's none too keen on it. She won't let me go too far west, because she feels that we're European and if I'm heading in the opposite direction of Europe what am I?

It was Supernatural that cemented it for me. There was this joy in and easiness with being American that manifested itself in the characters. It wasn't ultra patriotic, it wasn't anything. But Dean and Sam are so far from the European intellectual ideal that I grew up with.

And when I see it bandied about, with this glorious descriptive ease as it was in two stories paxlux posted on AO3 (one Inception. One Thor) something inside of me aches. Because I feel out of place. And I want it so badly. To see it. To see what people see. (But if you take me out of the cramped spaces, steeped in history as they are, be they New England or Europe, I feel disquieted and nervous. The open spaces I've seen in California leave me unsettled.)

TITLE: I'll Go on Dates with Pretty Girls
RATING: Mature (graphic sex)
WARNINGS: Derogatory remarks regarding crossdressers.
DISCLAIMER: Belongs to Shine and BBC.
SUMMARY: Arthur looks very pretty in a dress. Merlin loves him anyway.
AUTHOR'S NOTE: This fic was referred to as the "8 pages of porn'n'feels" to all my friends. Proceed with that in mind. It took from June last year til now to complete. At 5100+ words, it is the longest thing I have ever written. And it's half-porn. Thank you internet. The title comes from this ASW. Enjoy! (Also I have no beta, so string me up for all my mistakes if you like. Or just point them out in the comments and I'll fix 'em.)

( As he walked past Arthur on his way to put the juice back, he smacked him on the bum. )

Despite his voice, which I still find whiny and grating, I enjoyed Owen Wilson's performance much better this time. Tom Hiddleston's American accent is a dream. And Hemingway still stole the show.

In other words, "I see... A rhinoceros!"



Also, I'm giving up on Visions of Cody. I guess. I guess I'm not feeling Kerouac right now. I'm thinking about re-reading Portrait of the Artist. And maybe going to get out a book on the Fitzgeralds or something. (I need to know about Zelda. I want to read something of hers first, though. Any recommendations?)

Ugh. I just want the school year to be over so I can take time to read some books and watch some movies.

I got into an argument with someone. On the internet. About whether or not a character was a sociopath, and whether or not this was an ableist attitude and furthermore if this complicated or simplified her character.

I don't even give a shit.

I don't get into arguments with people on the internet, partially because no one listens when I talk, and partially because I usually subscribe to a philosophy of "If you disagree, do so where they can't hear, because it's not important."

Stress, sleeplessness and coffee are clearly getting to me. (Because I started it, and then CONTINUED IT, because I have no self-respect. And have obviously started on the last phase of, "I hate myself and want to make myself suffer" because that is the only explanation for a) this and b) everything else I've done this week.)


I just. I don't understand. WHY WOULD I DO THAT. I kind of want to go back and delete it, because it's so embarrassing, but I also don't because I hate deleting things. WHAT IF I WANT TO GO BACK. But it's so shameful. Help.

Fuck you.

As for the question of humiliation, though, I think it’s harder for people to be humiliated right now, in the West, because standards have shifted.

(Film Quaterly, Spring 2012, Interview by Megan Ratner)


See: previous post about sex.

I can't decide if I'm amazed, horrified, or disgusted at the above statement. The West is a bastion of fucked up morals that make everyone feel guilt and humiliation and shame. I mean, okay, fine, maybe "humiliation" is less visible, because we tend not to call people out on things, but we certainly shame them constantly.

I mean, I think of ... We're made to feel guilty for everything, which then often transmutes into shame. And then shame keeps everyone quiet on those subjects. (Sex, gender, -isms, everything religion disapproves of...)

I guess: Culture of shame, discuss.

So. Everyone says you wake up when you die in a dream. (Well, most people and often.) I was just thinking how I was shot in the head in my dream two nights ago, and most certainly didn't wake up. I just continued to narrate the story to someone else. I think the dream-universe was re-booted. It was nice. It was a moment of complete silence after being in a loud, crowded room. And then the dream continued.

So. It turns out that I have a lot of feelings about the treatment of sex, talking about sex, and the "children". I ranted at Eamon for like, 15-20 min about it. Because it came up. And. People don't really get what I mean. Ever.

And it's complicated. And convoluted. And 2AM isn't the time to try and lay it out. But basically:

1) I don't advocate having children watch pornos. Like, really. That's not what I'm saying.

2) I don't believe they need protecting from it. I believe that you have the right to instill your children with whatever values you want. By talking to them. Yea, if you're children come to you and ask you about sex, I damn well expect you to explain to them as best you can whatever answer you choose as appropriate. No fucking diagrams, no fucking in depth descriptions (again, no porn for the kiddies!) but... They should feel comfortable asking about it, and guess what?

3) It's not going to break them. It's not going to ruin them. If it's not a big scary adult thing (same goes for drinking!) they won't do it and lie to you about it and make dumb ass decisions.

And it's like. Children before puberty don't want sex, they're not interested in it. Kissing is still gross, remember? Then puberty DOES hit, and frankly, that's a nightmare all on it's own, so shit like masturbation and the desire to touch people inappropriately should be things you're peripherally aware of, maybe, and certainly something your parents should talk to you about. (Or for the love of god, someone. I don't know. And it shouldn't be in a "don't do it, you will get pregnant and die" way either.)


And don't get me started on sex and the rest of society. Because. Goddammit. The adults? They're the ones with the problem. I maintain that the kids will be fine. Oh, and nakedness won't ruin children either. I'm not a pervert because I've seen both my parents naked at various points. I'm a pervert because I'm unafraid to talk about sex. (I'm unafraid to talk about sex, because I found people who talked about it frankly, and often in pornographic detail, at age 12, and I discovered masturbation at age 11 and felt fucking ashamed about it for the next 4 years of my life. And that kills me inside. I still carry that shame with me, and when I remember it, I want to fucking cry. Because that is one of the worst things I've ever felt. And I felt that way because no one told me that girls did it too. Yea, in a clinical sex ed way, it was mentioned. But NO ONE in the massive enculturating machine I grew up in, ever let me know that I wasn't a fucking deviant. And I know there are other people out there who feel that for all kinds of reasons and I just––I want to live in a world where that doesn't happen.)


So that's why I'm here. I'm here to force parents to talk to their children. I'm here to create art for adults that treats them like adults. And I'm here to stand up and speak for the teenagers who are getting fucking shafted by the system, and the delicate sensibilities of the adults around them, and who are made to feel like fuck ups and deviants for things that are perfectly. fucking. natural. And who, furthermore, are encouraged to participate in unhealthy relationships because the adults around them don't know how to talk about sex in a way that is mature and healthy for the people listening to them talk. JESUS. THINK OF THE CHILDREN. FUCK.


*incoherent rage ball*

/finally leaving sophie's journal.

So. What's happening lately? I don't know. I've been in a weird mood and writing away. (Weird.)

So we have the XMFC/Torchwood fusion, which has three distinct arcs, the first of which is half-way finished right now, and up on AO3. This is the journal, you get some spoilers; the first two arcs are mostly X-Men related. Cos I gotta get Hank blue'n'fuzzy, and then he and Alex need to get together to set up the SECOND ARC (commonly known as the "Let's torture Alex" arc). To set up the second arc, I also need to write a background story (which will also be accompanied by the "how did Erik and Charles meet and fall in love?" flashback), where we learn about Alex and Darwin and why Shaw is a very bad man. Then the third arc is going to borrow liberally from Torchwood and Moira is the poor poor NY cop who keeps catching wind of The Professor and his X-Men, for the first time. Also, Erik has feelings.

Then we have 9 pages of crossdressing domestic porn'n'feels, in a modern AU setting with Arthur and Merlin. It was a kinkme_merlin fill from last summer. It's finally wrapping up. (I just need about 2 1/2 more paragraphs, also known as, a climax, two orgasms and a final flashback.) So. Close. *grasps futilely at ending of story* lkasjdfasdf.

And last but not least, we have a need to re-watch Teen Wolf, because the fandom isn't doing it for me, (so I can't pick through their fanon, re-hashing of canon, or characterization) to write Lydia/girl!Stiles. (Because even though I find it sort of completely frustrating and terrible to genderbend only one half of a couple, because then you're clearly just manipulating reality for your own gay/straight ends, I need a) femmeslash and b) MOAR LYDIA (and Stiles!). Also, I think the idea of buzzcut, sarcastic, lesbian Stiles is really really hot, ohmygoodness. She and Jackson have a fabulous relationship where he is a little bit totally perplexed by her and the shit she says/does and she hates him a little bit because he's an asshole, and they totally have flirty intimate moments anyway. And this allows me write Derek like the creepy McCreeperson that he is. Because girl!Stiles is all, "Excuse me, can you take two BIG STEPS back? I get that you have lots of muscles and are all manly and shit, but seriously. Get the fuck out of my personal space." While also being totally and completely head-over-heels for Lydia since forever. And at some point I need to re-write the scene after Scott is a huge dick and makes out with Lydia and Stiles is all butthurt about it, except I imagine that in some ways it's totally worse when it's like, you know you have no chance anyway, because the girl you're in love with is so straight it hurts, and then your best friend makes out with her, even though he KNOWS how much it all means to you and you kind of want to break his face in return. Like a lot.
Also, Stile and Danny. Same old Stiles just, "If I was a boy, would you date me?" Danny, "alskdfsadfSTOP." And then using Derek's muscles against Danny because that was awesome.


I literally just stopped writing and got distracted by the internet. That is all.

I spend a ludicrous amount of time bitching about how Inception just isn't that complicated of a movie to follow and everyone needs to calm the fuck down. (Sorry. Watching cast interviews brought this on, I'm sorry.)

But I just realized, as I was muttering to myself, I spend a lot of time saying, "This is hardly the most complicated movie I've seen!" And then I stopped. Because. Well. The truth of that statement cannot be contested. But I've also seen a lot of ridiculously complex, time-traveling or clone-based or whatever stupid complicated reason, SF movies. And I watch David Lynch movies.

So yea, by those standards Inception is a fucking cakewalk. I mean. Shit. They explain things to you, rather than just being like, "LOOK! THINGS ARE HAPPENING! YAY!" Or as David Lynch does and just never explain anything, refuse to follow any conventions ever, & make the audience cry. (And that's not even counting Eraserhead.)



So. I just wanted to share, and I guess in a way, issue a general apology for being a dick about it. Because I can't really argue from a position of "Yea, well I watch David Lynch movies because I like to mindtrip and cry in a corner" to say that Inception isn't complicated. It was complicated... For a summer blockbuster.

(And I still kind of hate it indiscriminately despite loving it to death. That's okay though. I watch timetravel movies and movies with clones in them, I can do complicated shit like that if I want.)